Cafe No Se

Magical Antigua, Guatemala

So I am here in Antigua, Guatemala hanging out in one of my favorite dives, Travel Menu, drinking beer and eating some awesome food and talking to my new pal Lito.

The talk turns, as talk will do, to other worthy dives here in town and he asks if I’ve made it to Cafe No Se yet. Of course I have. I’ve been here six days after all.

Anyway, this is a unique and tough to describe place. Fortunately, I don’t have to — Lito already has. Here’s his piece on it. I think he’s a hell a writer, but be warned. Stop here if you are easily offended.

Guest post by Lito Croy:

You Don’t Se?

Well you certainly should.

Cafe No Se. It’s the first Antiguan bar you could hope to stumble into and the last one you’ll want to stagger out of. Tuck yourself into this hole in the wall, fill up on some free popcorn and soak in the live music jammin’ every single night.

Pushing this creaky door aside sinks you straight into what I like to call “The Real Deal.” You took the red pill, hombre. If what you’re looking for is the back alley cultural melting pot, then this is it. No Se is the real deal; like the bastard child of a Wild West saloon and an old pirate hideout. It’s dark. It’s dingy. And it’s exactly where I want to be.

Simmer down, saddle up and step on in. You won’t have to search for the blasphemy here. It’ll bite you in the face. It’s the kind of stuff you couldn’t buy in Vegas and can’t burn off once you’ve gone. It’s hanging on the walls, it’s etched on the tables, and it’s served hot on a plate: Grilled Cheesus sandwiches. Only Q15… Or your eternal soul. Either way, it’s pocket change.

Bow under the halfling door and you’re on sacred soil, now. Welcome to The Mezcal Bar. Time to pay the piper. But only the penitent man will pass. So drop your elbows to the bar and PRAY, brother! Grab an Oferta for Q44 and Randy will swing you a Vicky and a shot of the Joven. A quick glance at the sign: “Two Shot Minimum” and you reevaluate. Better make it two.

Mezcal. Some call it the Mexican Scotch. I call it delicious. “Ilegal” brand Mezcal is served from what appear to be funny looking shot glasses. But a second nip, a double take down the barrel and the joke is out. There’s a cross on the bottom. On all of them. They’re sacramental candle holders. Add this to the photos of lusty nudes and it’s the kind of sacrilegious irony I could only dream of in Catholic school. Will this be the bite-sized evil that keeps me out of Heaven… Or am I already there? I still have half a shot left. So I take another swig to find out. Waste not. And oh yeah – Amen.

Take a look around. There are some real characters here. It’s the kind of place you’d hope to see Tom Waites growl or Kerouac scribbling away. Sometimes I scan the flame-lit faces, just to check. If you get the chance, buy one of the regulars a drink. I chose Pete. He’s a part-time wordsmith, full-time Mezcal worshiper. Fill his glass and he’ll fill your head. Stories, sonnets, shamanic songs; he knows them all. Make sure to check out his latest literary work, available in the sober hours at the adjoining bookstore.

But he’s not alone. Drinking here are intense personalities from all over the world. The cream of the grime. And they’re not all pretty. Most of them are dreamers, and a few of them are real assholes. This ain’t Applebee’s. And no, we don’t all have to get along. This is the black sheep herd, and they’re chewing up the moonlight.

But there’s no reason to get your panties in a bunch. There’s no need to wear panties at all. No Se is a place for everyone. Where anyone can show up, drink, and say exactly what they feel. Even the walls speak their mind. Ask them and they’ll dish out their favorite one-line philosophy. There’s plenty of fading Sharpie to write the book, but one quote says it all. And it’s enough to throw you tits first into their boiling brains.

“Today is not for thinking.”

I can drink to that.

Chewing up the moonlight.

In this bar, your sins are never forgiven, they’re only forgotten. Until the next nearest moment of clarity, that is. Old dreams wither and new ones are drunk away. It’s Cafe No Se. It’s the bottom of the barrel. It’s the end of the road. It all drops off from here. But that’s all right. It’s okay. Because every dive needs a town.

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  1. Trisha says

    Makes the “Dinghy Dock” bar we were in last night on Culebra look like Sunday School.
    Guess we got the PG version!

    Keep writing. We need to know what we’re missing.

  2. Cheryl says

    The review of Cafe No Se was awesome 🙂 Thanks for sharing!  Enjoy the rest of your stay in Guatemala.
    Kind regards,
    (a semi-new reader of your blog)

    • jlcollinsnh says

      Glad you liked it, Cheryl. When he shared it with me I figured the readers here would appreciate it. Mostly, anyway. 😉

    • jlcollinsnh says

      Don’t be envious of my travels, Chris. Be envious of David, the Aussie I met at my hotel who is one year into his three year motorcycle journey around the world.

      When he is done with that he’ll board the catamaran he is having built and sail around the world for good measure.

  3. Baughman says

    I was in Guatemala City on business in December and happened to make a trip out to Antigua for an evening. It’s a beautiful city. My favorite part of Antigua was the out-of-this-world-nice McDonalds. I couldn’t believe it.

    Too bad I didn’t run into you down there.

    Here’s a picture for those who are interested (not my picture):

  4. Done by Forty says

    I was trying to convince the missus to visit Guatemala and Panama this year. But as usual she won out, and we’re going to Argentina & Uruguay instead. I’m sending her this post as proof that, at least once, I was right.

    Great writing. We’ll make it there soon to pray, and partake of a bit more than the minimum.

    • jlcollinsnh says

      Well, Argentine and Uruguay sound pretty nice too!

      I’ve yet to visit either, but both are on the list. Unfortunately, my wife has summers off and that’s when it gets cold down there….

  5. financialblogger23 says

    Now, that is real traveling. Good on ya! I’ll be traveling to Guatemala in November for a month or so. My wife was a Peace Corps Volunteer there. Thanks for the great stories, you’re a talented writer.

    • jlcollinsnh says

      You should have a great time and, from what I hear, not too many tourists at that time.

      I met a PC volunteer in Antigua and she was five weeks into her two year stint. Seemed to be enjoying so far.

    • jlcollinsnh says

      Even better with more time to get to know the place on this second visit.

      BTW, thanks for your tips for our time in Mexico late February before I headed on to Guatemala. Great fun there, too!

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